The Coaching Chronicles is an inspirational newsletter/blog designed to stir, empower, and motivate you.
Are you a patsy for marketers? A mark for salespeople? A sucker for infomercials? Do you have trouble saying “no” to fund-raisers?
If you’re like me, you are. I admit it; I’m a sucker for marketing. I am mesmerized by T.V. commercials (especially ads during the Super Bowl), I buy gum in the grocery store checkout line and it’s hard for me to resist the words “limited time offer.” And I’m not alone.
Robert Cialdini, a master in the art of persuasion and the author of the book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, is also a self-described patsy. He writes, “For as long as I can recall, I’ve been an easy mark for the pitches of peddlers, fund-raisers, and operators of one sort or another.” Based on this tendency, Cialdini dedicated his life to studying “compliance” or what he refers to as “the factors that cause one person to say yes to another person.”
Over the course of three years, Cialdini’s studies led him to discover six psychological principles that direct human behavior. Successful marketers incorporate these six principles, which Cialdini refers to as “weapons of influence,” into their requests for purchases, donations, concessions, votes and assent.
In Influence, Cialdini examines the ability of each of these principles “to produce a distinct, kind of automatic, mindless compliance from people, that is, a willingness to say yes without thinking first.” It is therefore very important for you to better understand these principles so that you can give yourself immunity against these kinds of unthinking, unconscious tendencies.
I will provide you with a quick description of all six of these principles, and then I want you to take your awareness of these principles with you into the world. I do not offer these techniques to you lightly. After all, you could use these “weapons” against me, or against other unsuspecting “marks.” In the event that you were to use these techniques to increase your business or otherwise gain my compliance, I would like to think that you would not have dishonorable motives.
So, I’m trusting you to use this information for good, ok? As they say in Star Wars, “Resist the dark side, young Padawan,” and read on to discover a quick description of each of principle. If you want to learn more, I suggest you read Influence for yourself.
Summary of Cialdini’s Weapons of Influence (source: Wikipedia)
1. Reciprocation – People tend to return a favor. Thus, the pervasiveness of free samples in marketing. Just because a marketer gives you a free sample of something, don’t feel compelled to buy their product or send them a donation. Ignore your desire to return the favor. Just smile, say thank you and walk away.
2. Consistency – If people commit, orally or in writing, to an idea or goal, they are more likely to honor that commitment. Even if you tell a fundraiser you’re doing great over the phone, you can still refuse to send them a donation. Don’t be afraid to be inconsistent in your behavior.
3. Social Proof – People will do things that they see other people are doing. For example, in one experiment Cialidini examined, one or more confederates would look up into the sky; bystanders would then look up into the sky to see what they were seeing. At one point this experiment aborted, as so many people were looking up that they stopped traffic.
4. Liking – People are easily persuaded by other people that they like. Cialdini cites the marketing of Tupperware in what might now be called viral marketing. People were more likely to buy if they liked the person selling it to them.
5. Authority – People will tend to obey authority figures, even if they are asked to perform objectionable acts. Cialdini cites incidents, such as the Milgram experiments in the early 1960s and the My Lai massacre.
6. Scarcity – Perceived scarcity will generate demand. For example, saying offers are available for a "limited time only" encourages sales.
Cialdini writes, “The evidence suggests that the ever-accelerating pace and informational crush of modern life will make this particular form of compliance more and more prevalent in the future.” Because our lives have gotten so busy, because we are so distracted by the tremendous amount of information, we are particularly susceptible to falling prey to these techniques. Awareness is half the battle. I am urging you to immunize yourself today.
It is actually not in my self-interest to share these techniques with you. I am a marketer after all, and someday I may want to sell you something using one of these techniques. But if I were to ever sell you something, I would rather have you be aware of these techniques and make a conscious decision to buy something from me, rather than unconsciously drawing you in using a marketing technique.
Key Takeaway
I am sharing Cialdini’s “Weapons of Influence” with you for the following reasons: I don’t want people to take advantage of you. I want you to stop spending money on things you don’t want or need just because you were unthinkingly drawn in by a savvy marketer. I want to give you marketing immunity so that you will be able to say “yes” consciously. When you have an awareness of the tactics marketers use to gain your compliance, you will be able to recognize when someone is using a technique on you, and you will be less susceptible to buying things you don’t want or need.
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at coachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
If you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and suggest they subscribe to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
It's OK to Ask for Help Sometimes
The Coaching Chronicles is an inspirational newsletter/blog designed to stir, empower, and motivate you.
God resists the proud – James 4:6
Hello dear reader.
Sorry it’s been a few weeks since my last blog post. I took a little break from work/blogging, but I’m back now, ready to inspire and motivate you to the best of my ability.
This week’s topic illustrates the importance of asking other people for help. In other words, you really can’t do it all by yourself. Sounds simple, but it’s a lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way. Let me tell you what I’ve learned so you don’t repeat my mistakes.
I’m really bad at asking people for help. I hardly ever delegate tasks. I try to do everything myself. I mean, I think I’m pretty intelligent, and the tasks I do to earn a living aren’t particularly difficult, so I should be able to do all of them, right? Well…um…wrong.
The reason it’s wrong is that there is only one Lisa Bosley, and there are only 24 hours in a day. And as much as I want to or feel I need to, I can’t spend all 24 hours doing work. I need to sleep for at least six to eight of those hours. I also need time to be a good wife, a good friend, a good Catholic, a good blogger, etc. Unfortunately, between all those activities, that doesn’t leave me a lot of time to take care of myself.
Thankfully, in the past few weeks, I realized how important it is to take the time I need in order to stay healthy (in terms of sleep, diet, prayer/meditation and exercise), and I strongly encourage you to do the same.
As you may know, Lent is happening right now, and it was actually the silent reflection associated with Lent that allowed me to realize how much I had put my own health on the back burner. I wish it had not taken a Catholic holiday to make me aware that I needed some help bringing my life back into balance, but it did.
For those of you who don’t know, Lent is a season of sorrowful reflection that lasts from Ash Wednesday to Easter (see this link for more information). Lent is a 40-day period of grieving for Jesus Christ that ends with the celebration of His resurrection on Easter Sunday. Lent is a time for penance and almsgiving. It’s also a time for you to reflect on the sins you have committed. Remember the seven deadly sins? (Or maybe you remember that scary movie Seven that starred Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman?) Ok, well, in case you forgot the seven sins are: Pride, Lust, Gluttony, Sloth, Greed, Envy and Wrath.
Did you notice that I put Pride as the first of the list? Well, I’m not proud to tell you this, but I put it first because Pride is the sin I commit most often. I’ve committed the other sins, too, but it’s Pride that prevents me from asking people for help. I think I’m doing it to show people I can handle it on my own, but maybe subconsciously, I like to do everything myself because really— I don’t want to share the credit with anyone else. Pretty sick, huh? I don’t like the idea that I think that way, but something is preventing me from asking for help. Whatever it is, it doesn’t serve me, so I’m making a conscious effort to be done with Pride. Would you like to join me?
If you’d like some help deciding what you most need to work on, consider the following activity: Make a list of all the things you have to do this week. Identify the things that you really want to do versus the things you feel obligated to do. Identify the things you are good at (gainers) versus the things you aren’t very good at (drainers). Now, consider outsourcing the drainers to someone else. Try it. You might be surprised to learn what people are willing to help you with.
Key Takeaway
According to organizational guru David Allen, you have four choices when it comes to your actions. You can choose to do it, delegate it, defer it or drop it. If you’re constrained for time (and who isn’t these days), I highly recommend that you skip the “do it” option and select one of the latter of the three choices: delegate it, defer it or drop it. It is much better to speak up and get help than to become worn down until you are unable to cope any more.
The trick is to ask for help as soon as the project presents itself – in other words, don’t wait until the last minute to say “I need your help with this thing that’s due tomorrow.” The earlier you can bring in the right people to help you with your project, the better. The first step is admitting you need the help. The second step is trusting the people you ask to provide you with the help you need. Learn to help yourself by taking constant imperfect action, first for yourself, then together as a team.
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at coachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
If you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and suggest they subscribe to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
God resists the proud – James 4:6
Hello dear reader.
Sorry it’s been a few weeks since my last blog post. I took a little break from work/blogging, but I’m back now, ready to inspire and motivate you to the best of my ability.
This week’s topic illustrates the importance of asking other people for help. In other words, you really can’t do it all by yourself. Sounds simple, but it’s a lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way. Let me tell you what I’ve learned so you don’t repeat my mistakes.
I’m really bad at asking people for help. I hardly ever delegate tasks. I try to do everything myself. I mean, I think I’m pretty intelligent, and the tasks I do to earn a living aren’t particularly difficult, so I should be able to do all of them, right? Well…um…wrong.
The reason it’s wrong is that there is only one Lisa Bosley, and there are only 24 hours in a day. And as much as I want to or feel I need to, I can’t spend all 24 hours doing work. I need to sleep for at least six to eight of those hours. I also need time to be a good wife, a good friend, a good Catholic, a good blogger, etc. Unfortunately, between all those activities, that doesn’t leave me a lot of time to take care of myself.
Thankfully, in the past few weeks, I realized how important it is to take the time I need in order to stay healthy (in terms of sleep, diet, prayer/meditation and exercise), and I strongly encourage you to do the same.
As you may know, Lent is happening right now, and it was actually the silent reflection associated with Lent that allowed me to realize how much I had put my own health on the back burner. I wish it had not taken a Catholic holiday to make me aware that I needed some help bringing my life back into balance, but it did.
For those of you who don’t know, Lent is a season of sorrowful reflection that lasts from Ash Wednesday to Easter (see this link for more information). Lent is a 40-day period of grieving for Jesus Christ that ends with the celebration of His resurrection on Easter Sunday. Lent is a time for penance and almsgiving. It’s also a time for you to reflect on the sins you have committed. Remember the seven deadly sins? (Or maybe you remember that scary movie Seven that starred Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman?) Ok, well, in case you forgot the seven sins are: Pride, Lust, Gluttony, Sloth, Greed, Envy and Wrath.
Did you notice that I put Pride as the first of the list? Well, I’m not proud to tell you this, but I put it first because Pride is the sin I commit most often. I’ve committed the other sins, too, but it’s Pride that prevents me from asking people for help. I think I’m doing it to show people I can handle it on my own, but maybe subconsciously, I like to do everything myself because really— I don’t want to share the credit with anyone else. Pretty sick, huh? I don’t like the idea that I think that way, but something is preventing me from asking for help. Whatever it is, it doesn’t serve me, so I’m making a conscious effort to be done with Pride. Would you like to join me?
If you’d like some help deciding what you most need to work on, consider the following activity: Make a list of all the things you have to do this week. Identify the things that you really want to do versus the things you feel obligated to do. Identify the things you are good at (gainers) versus the things you aren’t very good at (drainers). Now, consider outsourcing the drainers to someone else. Try it. You might be surprised to learn what people are willing to help you with.
Key Takeaway
According to organizational guru David Allen, you have four choices when it comes to your actions. You can choose to do it, delegate it, defer it or drop it. If you’re constrained for time (and who isn’t these days), I highly recommend that you skip the “do it” option and select one of the latter of the three choices: delegate it, defer it or drop it. It is much better to speak up and get help than to become worn down until you are unable to cope any more.
The trick is to ask for help as soon as the project presents itself – in other words, don’t wait until the last minute to say “I need your help with this thing that’s due tomorrow.” The earlier you can bring in the right people to help you with your project, the better. The first step is admitting you need the help. The second step is trusting the people you ask to provide you with the help you need. Learn to help yourself by taking constant imperfect action, first for yourself, then together as a team.
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at coachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
If you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and suggest they subscribe to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
On Love and Gratitude
The Coaching Chronicles is an inspirational newsletter/blog designed to stir, empower, and motivate you.
“Do all things with love.” – Og Mandino
I wish Valentine’s Day was more like Thanksgiving. I mean, it’s all in the name: “Thanks” and “Giving.” I have read more than once that gratitude is one of the keys to happiness. So is focusing on what you give instead of what you get.
Unfortunately, like most holidays, Valentine’s Day has become associated more with rabid consumerism than with love. As if the answer to the question “What did you get for Valentine’s Day?” is somehow helpful in determining how much someone loves you.
Imagine if we celebrated Valentine’s Day like a Thanksgiving dinner, where we invited whomever we wanted, ate whatever we wanted, and everyone sat around the table and said all the things they appreciate about their loved ones. Doesn’t that sound like fun? I think I’ll try that next year.
My husband and I haven’t celebrated an actual Valentine’s Day since the early 1990s, a couple of years after we started dating (it’s the closest we come to actually protesting something here at the Bosley household). We’re happy to avoid the overpriced flowers, candy and other trappings of this “Hallmark” holiday in favor of a quiet evening at home.
The best gifts I have received from my husband over the years were never flowers, jewelry or fancy dinners. While I certainly appreciated those gifts, his best gifts are simply the words of love and appreciation he has said to me every day that we have known each other. I especially treasure the cards and letters he has written to me (I have shoeboxes full of them). These are heartfelt messages of love and thanks that I plan to carry with me for my entire life. And if a flood or fire someday destroys these letters, then I will carry the memory of them with me in my mind.
Today, in the spirit of “New Valentine’s Day,” I would like to pause and express my gratitude for the ridiculous abundance of love that I have in my life today. I have been blessed with a loving husband, two loving parents (who are still married – to each other!), a loving brother, a loving extended family, and an abundance of loving friends, teachers, colleagues and mentors. I cannot underestimate the positive impact that this loving “Tribe” has had on my life. I would like to personally thank you – every single person who reads this message today – thank you for being a part of my life, for inspiring me, listening to me, and for encouraging me.
Thanking people feels amazing! I highly recommend it. I know that I have been extraordinarily blessed with love, and my heart aches to think that there are people in the world who do not feel love. I believe that everyone is loved by someone. I love you, and God loves you, too. When I express gratitude, I feel loved.
“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” – William Arthur Ward
Gratitude Doesn’t Always Come Naturally
There have been plenty of times I have been far from grateful. During the financial crisis, I heard a lot of people say “Be grateful you have a job,” and I wanted to punch them. I am grateful I have a job, but I didn’t like being told to be grateful. Gratitude has to come from within.
Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice, has this to say about gratitude: “Research literature suggests that gratitude does not come naturally to most of us most of the time. When life is not too good, we think a lot about how it could be better. When life is going well, we tend not to think much about how it could be worse. But with practice, we can learn to reflect on how much better things are than they might be, which in turn makes the good things in life feel even better.”
How do you practice gratitude?
Schwartz recommends adopting the following routine:
1. Keep a notepad at your bedside.
2. Every morning, when you wake up, or every night, when you go to bed, use the notepad to list five things that happened the day before that you’re grateful for. These objects of gratitude occasionally will be big (a job promotion, a great first date), but most of the time, they will be small (sunlight streaming in through the bedroom window, a kind word from a friend, an informative article in a magazine).
3. You will probably feel a little silly and even self-conscious when you start doing this. But if you keep it up, you will find it gets easier and easier, more and more natural. You also may find yourself discovering many things to be grateful for, on even the most ordinary of days.
Key Takeaway
Tim Sanders, director of Yahoo’s in-house think tank and author of Love is the Killer App, writes, “Gratefulness is a muscle, not a feeling. You need to work it out daily. Every morning, give thanks to two people that helped you yesterday and one person that will assist you today. This will focus your mind on what you have, and you’ll soon realize you are not alone.”
“In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.” – Mother Teresa
“Who, being loved, is poor?” – Oscar Wilde
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at coachlisa.bosley@gmail.com..
If you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and suggest they subscribe to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
“Do all things with love.” – Og Mandino
I wish Valentine’s Day was more like Thanksgiving. I mean, it’s all in the name: “Thanks” and “Giving.” I have read more than once that gratitude is one of the keys to happiness. So is focusing on what you give instead of what you get.
Unfortunately, like most holidays, Valentine’s Day has become associated more with rabid consumerism than with love. As if the answer to the question “What did you get for Valentine’s Day?” is somehow helpful in determining how much someone loves you.
Imagine if we celebrated Valentine’s Day like a Thanksgiving dinner, where we invited whomever we wanted, ate whatever we wanted, and everyone sat around the table and said all the things they appreciate about their loved ones. Doesn’t that sound like fun? I think I’ll try that next year.
My husband and I haven’t celebrated an actual Valentine’s Day since the early 1990s, a couple of years after we started dating (it’s the closest we come to actually protesting something here at the Bosley household). We’re happy to avoid the overpriced flowers, candy and other trappings of this “Hallmark” holiday in favor of a quiet evening at home.
The best gifts I have received from my husband over the years were never flowers, jewelry or fancy dinners. While I certainly appreciated those gifts, his best gifts are simply the words of love and appreciation he has said to me every day that we have known each other. I especially treasure the cards and letters he has written to me (I have shoeboxes full of them). These are heartfelt messages of love and thanks that I plan to carry with me for my entire life. And if a flood or fire someday destroys these letters, then I will carry the memory of them with me in my mind.
Today, in the spirit of “New Valentine’s Day,” I would like to pause and express my gratitude for the ridiculous abundance of love that I have in my life today. I have been blessed with a loving husband, two loving parents (who are still married – to each other!), a loving brother, a loving extended family, and an abundance of loving friends, teachers, colleagues and mentors. I cannot underestimate the positive impact that this loving “Tribe” has had on my life. I would like to personally thank you – every single person who reads this message today – thank you for being a part of my life, for inspiring me, listening to me, and for encouraging me.
Thanking people feels amazing! I highly recommend it. I know that I have been extraordinarily blessed with love, and my heart aches to think that there are people in the world who do not feel love. I believe that everyone is loved by someone. I love you, and God loves you, too. When I express gratitude, I feel loved.
“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” – William Arthur Ward
Gratitude Doesn’t Always Come Naturally
There have been plenty of times I have been far from grateful. During the financial crisis, I heard a lot of people say “Be grateful you have a job,” and I wanted to punch them. I am grateful I have a job, but I didn’t like being told to be grateful. Gratitude has to come from within.
Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice, has this to say about gratitude: “Research literature suggests that gratitude does not come naturally to most of us most of the time. When life is not too good, we think a lot about how it could be better. When life is going well, we tend not to think much about how it could be worse. But with practice, we can learn to reflect on how much better things are than they might be, which in turn makes the good things in life feel even better.”
How do you practice gratitude?
Schwartz recommends adopting the following routine:
1. Keep a notepad at your bedside.
2. Every morning, when you wake up, or every night, when you go to bed, use the notepad to list five things that happened the day before that you’re grateful for. These objects of gratitude occasionally will be big (a job promotion, a great first date), but most of the time, they will be small (sunlight streaming in through the bedroom window, a kind word from a friend, an informative article in a magazine).
3. You will probably feel a little silly and even self-conscious when you start doing this. But if you keep it up, you will find it gets easier and easier, more and more natural. You also may find yourself discovering many things to be grateful for, on even the most ordinary of days.
Key Takeaway
Tim Sanders, director of Yahoo’s in-house think tank and author of Love is the Killer App, writes, “Gratefulness is a muscle, not a feeling. You need to work it out daily. Every morning, give thanks to two people that helped you yesterday and one person that will assist you today. This will focus your mind on what you have, and you’ll soon realize you are not alone.”
“In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.” – Mother Teresa
“Who, being loved, is poor?” – Oscar Wilde
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at coachlisa.bosley@gmail.com..
If you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and suggest they subscribe to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
You Can't Change Other People
The Coaching Chronicles is an inspirational newsletter/blog designed to stir, empower, and motivate you.
“The secret of happiness is knowing that there are some things you can control and some things you cannot.”
– Epictetus
Last week I challenged you to dump the words “try” and “should” from your vocabulary. I urged you to be clear with your commitments, and to really think about what you want to do and what you intend to do. This week, I want to encourage you to commit only to things you can actually change.
We generate so much unhappiness by focusing on things we cannot change. For example, take other people’s behavior. How many times have you caught yourself wishing the people around you would change? Wishing they would stop doing something, or start doing something? Wishing they were somehow different?
Have you ever stopped and wondered, “What is all this wishing getting me, other than a bunch of unhappiness?” I asked myself that question after reading Dr. Gay Hendricks’ book, Conscious Living. Below are a few excerpts from Conscious Living that I found especially powerful (and challenging). Take a look and let me know if Hendricks’ message resonates with you, too.
Hendricks begins by asking his readers to try an experiment. He says, “Think about an important issue prominent in your life right now. Ask yourself, "Is this within my power to change?" If you answer yes, then ask another question: "Do I want to put energy into changing it?" If you can change it and you want to put energy into it, then do it. If the answer is ‘no’ to one or the other of those questions, your task is to let it alone. There is no other choice.”
Hendricks goes on to say, “Pick your projects with utmost care. Human beings are finite and only have enough energy for a few projects at a time. You may not be able to lose fifty pounds, finish your Ph.D., take care of your aging parent, and write a symphony all in the same year.”
Hendricks once had a client who was actually trying to do all of those things, plus help her son get off of drugs. Unfortunately, it was her desire to change her son’s behavior that overloaded her circuits and caused everything to fall apart in her life.
In his career as a counselor and coach, Dr. Hendricks has worked with hundreds of people who were in a close relationship with an addict. Over time, he observed that the more his clients focused on the other person’s addiction, the worse the situation seemed to get.
Addiction is only one example. Hendricks asserts that this also applies to most other forms of behavior and situations, whether you are wanting to change your spouse, your parents, your children, your friends, your boss, or your colleagues.
You Can’t Change Other People’s Behavior
Hendricks writes, “We don’t really have any control over other people. It’s not up to me whether you drink or not. You can’t control whether I take a drug… Only I have control over whether I do it or not. The moment we acknowledge we are powerless over other people, we are free to do two things. We can let go completely, freeing others to learn their own lessons. Or we can consciously choose to mount an influence campaign.
If we choose to influence, then we need to approach it like a business arrangement. We need to have a goal and a plan along with the commitment to carry it through to completion. Most people don’t do it that way, though. They stay in the unconscious zone, wishing the other person would change, but not really making a clear plan to accomplish it. The wheels spin, and nothing ever changes.”
Key Takeaway
You are responsible for your own happiness. Right now, today, you are facing a number of choices and actions. Pick the ones that are within your control. Remember Hendricks’ words: “If you can change it and you want to put energy into it, then do it. If the answer is ‘no’ to one or the other of those questions, your task is to let it alone. There is no other choice.” Learn to let go.
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at mailto:atcoachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
If you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and suggest they subscribe to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
“The secret of happiness is knowing that there are some things you can control and some things you cannot.”
– Epictetus
Last week I challenged you to dump the words “try” and “should” from your vocabulary. I urged you to be clear with your commitments, and to really think about what you want to do and what you intend to do. This week, I want to encourage you to commit only to things you can actually change.
We generate so much unhappiness by focusing on things we cannot change. For example, take other people’s behavior. How many times have you caught yourself wishing the people around you would change? Wishing they would stop doing something, or start doing something? Wishing they were somehow different?
Have you ever stopped and wondered, “What is all this wishing getting me, other than a bunch of unhappiness?” I asked myself that question after reading Dr. Gay Hendricks’ book, Conscious Living. Below are a few excerpts from Conscious Living that I found especially powerful (and challenging). Take a look and let me know if Hendricks’ message resonates with you, too.
Hendricks begins by asking his readers to try an experiment. He says, “Think about an important issue prominent in your life right now. Ask yourself, "Is this within my power to change?" If you answer yes, then ask another question: "Do I want to put energy into changing it?" If you can change it and you want to put energy into it, then do it. If the answer is ‘no’ to one or the other of those questions, your task is to let it alone. There is no other choice.”
Hendricks goes on to say, “Pick your projects with utmost care. Human beings are finite and only have enough energy for a few projects at a time. You may not be able to lose fifty pounds, finish your Ph.D., take care of your aging parent, and write a symphony all in the same year.”
Hendricks once had a client who was actually trying to do all of those things, plus help her son get off of drugs. Unfortunately, it was her desire to change her son’s behavior that overloaded her circuits and caused everything to fall apart in her life.
In his career as a counselor and coach, Dr. Hendricks has worked with hundreds of people who were in a close relationship with an addict. Over time, he observed that the more his clients focused on the other person’s addiction, the worse the situation seemed to get.
Addiction is only one example. Hendricks asserts that this also applies to most other forms of behavior and situations, whether you are wanting to change your spouse, your parents, your children, your friends, your boss, or your colleagues.
You Can’t Change Other People’s Behavior
Hendricks writes, “We don’t really have any control over other people. It’s not up to me whether you drink or not. You can’t control whether I take a drug… Only I have control over whether I do it or not. The moment we acknowledge we are powerless over other people, we are free to do two things. We can let go completely, freeing others to learn their own lessons. Or we can consciously choose to mount an influence campaign.
If we choose to influence, then we need to approach it like a business arrangement. We need to have a goal and a plan along with the commitment to carry it through to completion. Most people don’t do it that way, though. They stay in the unconscious zone, wishing the other person would change, but not really making a clear plan to accomplish it. The wheels spin, and nothing ever changes.”
Key Takeaway
You are responsible for your own happiness. Right now, today, you are facing a number of choices and actions. Pick the ones that are within your control. Remember Hendricks’ words: “If you can change it and you want to put energy into it, then do it. If the answer is ‘no’ to one or the other of those questions, your task is to let it alone. There is no other choice.” Learn to let go.
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at mailto:atcoachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
If you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and suggest they subscribe to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Dump “Try” and “Should” From Your Vocabulary
The Coaching Chronicles is an inspirational newsletter/blog designed to stir, inspire, and motivate you.
Words have power. Imagine you’ve received an email titled: “Problem.” How do you react? “Oh no,” you might think. “What’s wrong?” The word alone can produce a negative, sinking feeling. Now imagine you receive an email with the word “Opportunity” in the subject line. “Oooh,” you might think. “What’s this? This could be good.” You’re curious. You’re open. There’s a reason Deepak Chopra says, “I do not experience challenges; I look for opportunities.”
Emotion follows thought, and eliminating certain words from your internal and external dialogue could make you a happier person.
Take the word “try,” for example.
When you say you’re going to “try” to do something, that’s the beginning of the end. As coach and Hollywood film producer Debbie Robins says, “The word ‘try’ is a magnet for your incomplete actions, lame excuses and failure to launch.” When you ask someone, “Are you going to be there?” and they say, “I’ll try,” you can pretty much guarantee that they’re not going to show up. Same for New Year’s resolutions: “I’ll try to quit smoking.” “I’ll try to lose weight.” “I’ll try” is usually not a strategy for success.
Take a challenge with me this week. Completely dump the word “try” from your vocabulary. Don’t “try;” really commit to it. Put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it whenever you catch yourself saying “try.” Instead of saying “I’ll try,” say “I will,” or “I won’t.” When you are clear with your commitments, you’ll avoid a lot of broken agreements (with yourself and other people).
As Yoda says, “Try not. Do or no not. There is no try.”
Related to the word “try” is the word “should.” Debbie Robins has a whole chapter on the word “should” in her book, Shovel It: Kick-Ass Advice to Turn Life’s Crap into the Peace and Happiness You Deserve. (Is that a great title or what?) She writes:
“The mindset of should will only make you feel awful. “Should” suggests there is a right and a wrong, a good and a bad, a “my way or the highway,” and that everybody understands the rules and agrees to play by them. But not everybody does. “Should” is a preamble for cruelly judging oneself (“I should be more on top of my life and not such a disorganized, distracted mess.”) “Should” is also a preamble for judging others. (“He should have done it my way and now everything is messed up”; “She should have listened to me rather than being so stubborn”). Unfortunately you can’t win the “should” game. It’s a never-ending loop of assigning blame that easily grows into hatred. And the only one getting hurt by your upset is you.
Robins goes on to say, “Often times “should” results from an expectation the world owes you justice. I wish. It doesn’t. You’ve got to figure out an alternative. You need to ditch the thinking of “should” and replace it with something better.”
Key Takeaway
Saying “I’ll try” or “I should do this” are just bad habits. Most people think habits are meant to be broken, but they can’t be broken. Habits can only be replaced (replaced with a behavior that serves you in a better way). Want to be happier? Eliminate phrases like, “I should do this,” or “People expect me to do this,” or “I feel obligated to do this.” Replace them with the following statements: “I want to do this”; “I’m committed to doing this”; “It is my intention to do this”; or “I give you my word that I will do this.” Really think about what you want to do and what you intend to do. If you need to, schedule blocks of time for yourself on your calendar. Take your commitments seriously.
Note: I am not advocating for you to stop being a good employee, family member, citizen, parishioner, etc. because you don’t want to do certain things. There are a lot of reasons we choose to do what we do. For example, you may decide to fill out a TPS report at work because it makes your boss happy. Saying “I feel obligated to fill out my TPS report” drains your energy and builds resentment. Saying “I choose to fill out my TPS report” gives you a greater sense of control, and when you are in a positive mindset, you are more likely to come up with creative solutions. For example, you could outsource your TPS report to a virtual assistant.
If you ever need to trick yourself to get motivated, pretend you are going to receive $1 million if you do what you say you are committed to doing. Say your problem is that you are always late to your meetings at work. If you were going to get $1 million for showing up to all your appointments on time for a whole year, I have a feeling you would not be late. You would find a way to get to every appointment on time. If your car broke down one morning, you would call a cab to take you to work. Your whole mindset would change.
Think of the various commitments you have been “trying” to meet lately. What would you do differently if you were guaranteed a $1 million reward? Even if it sounds silly, think about it. You might come up with a fun new way to motivate yourself. Let me know what you come up with.
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at coachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
In the event that you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and ask them to consider subscribing to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
Words have power. Imagine you’ve received an email titled: “Problem.” How do you react? “Oh no,” you might think. “What’s wrong?” The word alone can produce a negative, sinking feeling. Now imagine you receive an email with the word “Opportunity” in the subject line. “Oooh,” you might think. “What’s this? This could be good.” You’re curious. You’re open. There’s a reason Deepak Chopra says, “I do not experience challenges; I look for opportunities.”
Emotion follows thought, and eliminating certain words from your internal and external dialogue could make you a happier person.
Take the word “try,” for example.
When you say you’re going to “try” to do something, that’s the beginning of the end. As coach and Hollywood film producer Debbie Robins says, “The word ‘try’ is a magnet for your incomplete actions, lame excuses and failure to launch.” When you ask someone, “Are you going to be there?” and they say, “I’ll try,” you can pretty much guarantee that they’re not going to show up. Same for New Year’s resolutions: “I’ll try to quit smoking.” “I’ll try to lose weight.” “I’ll try” is usually not a strategy for success.
Take a challenge with me this week. Completely dump the word “try” from your vocabulary. Don’t “try;” really commit to it. Put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it whenever you catch yourself saying “try.” Instead of saying “I’ll try,” say “I will,” or “I won’t.” When you are clear with your commitments, you’ll avoid a lot of broken agreements (with yourself and other people).
As Yoda says, “Try not. Do or no not. There is no try.”
Related to the word “try” is the word “should.” Debbie Robins has a whole chapter on the word “should” in her book, Shovel It: Kick-Ass Advice to Turn Life’s Crap into the Peace and Happiness You Deserve. (Is that a great title or what?) She writes:
“The mindset of should will only make you feel awful. “Should” suggests there is a right and a wrong, a good and a bad, a “my way or the highway,” and that everybody understands the rules and agrees to play by them. But not everybody does. “Should” is a preamble for cruelly judging oneself (“I should be more on top of my life and not such a disorganized, distracted mess.”) “Should” is also a preamble for judging others. (“He should have done it my way and now everything is messed up”; “She should have listened to me rather than being so stubborn”). Unfortunately you can’t win the “should” game. It’s a never-ending loop of assigning blame that easily grows into hatred. And the only one getting hurt by your upset is you.
Robins goes on to say, “Often times “should” results from an expectation the world owes you justice. I wish. It doesn’t. You’ve got to figure out an alternative. You need to ditch the thinking of “should” and replace it with something better.”
Key Takeaway
Saying “I’ll try” or “I should do this” are just bad habits. Most people think habits are meant to be broken, but they can’t be broken. Habits can only be replaced (replaced with a behavior that serves you in a better way). Want to be happier? Eliminate phrases like, “I should do this,” or “People expect me to do this,” or “I feel obligated to do this.” Replace them with the following statements: “I want to do this”; “I’m committed to doing this”; “It is my intention to do this”; or “I give you my word that I will do this.” Really think about what you want to do and what you intend to do. If you need to, schedule blocks of time for yourself on your calendar. Take your commitments seriously.
Note: I am not advocating for you to stop being a good employee, family member, citizen, parishioner, etc. because you don’t want to do certain things. There are a lot of reasons we choose to do what we do. For example, you may decide to fill out a TPS report at work because it makes your boss happy. Saying “I feel obligated to fill out my TPS report” drains your energy and builds resentment. Saying “I choose to fill out my TPS report” gives you a greater sense of control, and when you are in a positive mindset, you are more likely to come up with creative solutions. For example, you could outsource your TPS report to a virtual assistant.
If you ever need to trick yourself to get motivated, pretend you are going to receive $1 million if you do what you say you are committed to doing. Say your problem is that you are always late to your meetings at work. If you were going to get $1 million for showing up to all your appointments on time for a whole year, I have a feeling you would not be late. You would find a way to get to every appointment on time. If your car broke down one morning, you would call a cab to take you to work. Your whole mindset would change.
Think of the various commitments you have been “trying” to meet lately. What would you do differently if you were guaranteed a $1 million reward? Even if it sounds silly, think about it. You might come up with a fun new way to motivate yourself. Let me know what you come up with.
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at coachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
In the event that you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and ask them to consider subscribing to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Choosing When to Choose
I would first like to thank all of you who have provided me with feedback regarding my first few issues of The Coaching Chronicles. It is really exciting (and humbling) to hear that the information I am providing is helpful to so many of you. I continue to welcome your feedback, and if there are any particular issues you would like me to address, please let me know.
The week I am sharing some insights from a rather fascinating book I read last year called The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less by Barry Swartz.
Most people think that having more options to choose from is a good thing. If I consider more options, then I’m more likely to choose the best thing, right? It’s possible, but have you ever thought about the costs associated with that choice? First, there’s the question of your time (how much time did you spend making the decision?), and then there’s the question of your happiness (how happy are you with the decision that you made?).
In The Paradox of Choice, Barry Swartz points to several studies that indicate that people are actually unhappier when they are presented with a larger number of choices. The feelings of regret we experience (over the options we didn’t choose) can combine with underlying concerns about status (brought on by comparing ourselves to others), which furthers our desire to have the best of everything – to maximize.
Below is an exercise from the book that may help you further appreciate the costs associated with the decisions you make:
Constraint is Key: Choose When to Choose
To combat the problems associated with choice overload, Swartz urges his readers to “learn to love constraints.” By restricting our options (satisficing rather than maximizing), we will be able to choose less and feel better.
According to Swartz, learning to accept “good enough” will simplify your decision making and increase your satisfaction with those decisions (even when the “best” could be right around the corner). Consider adopting a “two options is my limit” rule. While restricting yourself this way may seem both difficult and arbitrary, it’s a good way to avoid the “hangover” associated with choice overload.
In a world full of choices, writes Swartz, “We get what we say we want, only to discover that what we want doesn’t satisfy us to the degree we expect. We are surrounded by modern time-saving devices, but we never seem to have enough time. We are free to be the authors of our own lives, but we don’t know exactly what kind of lives we want to write.”
As someone who has experienced a fair share of “writer’s block” over the years, after reading this book, I wondered if maybe it was the “endless possibilities” of the blank page that made it seem so intimidating to me. Indeed, it was often the “constraint” of an assignment (a specific topic, a limited word count) that allowed me to break the block and just start writing.
As a final thought, here is a quote from a Q&A session with Barry Swartz. Below the author describes his intention for writing The Paradox of Choice:
Key Takeaway
“If you limit the number of choices you make and the number of options you consider, you’re going to have more time available for what’s important than people who are plagued by one decision after another, always in search of the best. You could use that time wisely by getting to know more deeply your lovers, your children, your parents, your friends, your clients, your students… You may not always be conscious of this, but your effort to get the best car will interfere with your desire to be a good friend. Your effort to get the best job will intrude on your duty to be the best parent. And so, if the time you save by following some of my suggestions is redirected to the improvement of your relationships with other people in your life, you will not only make your life happier, you will improve theirs. It’s what economists call ‘Pareto efficient,’ a change that benefits everybody.”
Let me know if you agree or disagree with the author’s conclusions. In the meantime, happy choosing!
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at mailto:atcoachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
In the event that you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and ask them to consider subscribing to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
The week I am sharing some insights from a rather fascinating book I read last year called The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less by Barry Swartz.
Most people think that having more options to choose from is a good thing. If I consider more options, then I’m more likely to choose the best thing, right? It’s possible, but have you ever thought about the costs associated with that choice? First, there’s the question of your time (how much time did you spend making the decision?), and then there’s the question of your happiness (how happy are you with the decision that you made?).
In The Paradox of Choice, Barry Swartz points to several studies that indicate that people are actually unhappier when they are presented with a larger number of choices. The feelings of regret we experience (over the options we didn’t choose) can combine with underlying concerns about status (brought on by comparing ourselves to others), which furthers our desire to have the best of everything – to maximize.
Below is an exercise from the book that may help you further appreciate the costs associated with the decisions you make:
- Think about some decisions that you’ve made recently, both big and small (a clothing purchase, a vacation destination, a relationship or job change).
- Itemize the steps, time, research and anxiety that went into those decisions.
- Remind yourself how it felt to do that work.
- Ask yourself how much your final decision benefitted from that work.
Constraint is Key: Choose When to Choose
To combat the problems associated with choice overload, Swartz urges his readers to “learn to love constraints.” By restricting our options (satisficing rather than maximizing), we will be able to choose less and feel better.
According to Swartz, learning to accept “good enough” will simplify your decision making and increase your satisfaction with those decisions (even when the “best” could be right around the corner). Consider adopting a “two options is my limit” rule. While restricting yourself this way may seem both difficult and arbitrary, it’s a good way to avoid the “hangover” associated with choice overload.
In a world full of choices, writes Swartz, “We get what we say we want, only to discover that what we want doesn’t satisfy us to the degree we expect. We are surrounded by modern time-saving devices, but we never seem to have enough time. We are free to be the authors of our own lives, but we don’t know exactly what kind of lives we want to write.”
As someone who has experienced a fair share of “writer’s block” over the years, after reading this book, I wondered if maybe it was the “endless possibilities” of the blank page that made it seem so intimidating to me. Indeed, it was often the “constraint” of an assignment (a specific topic, a limited word count) that allowed me to break the block and just start writing.
As a final thought, here is a quote from a Q&A session with Barry Swartz. Below the author describes his intention for writing The Paradox of Choice:
Key Takeaway
“If you limit the number of choices you make and the number of options you consider, you’re going to have more time available for what’s important than people who are plagued by one decision after another, always in search of the best. You could use that time wisely by getting to know more deeply your lovers, your children, your parents, your friends, your clients, your students… You may not always be conscious of this, but your effort to get the best car will interfere with your desire to be a good friend. Your effort to get the best job will intrude on your duty to be the best parent. And so, if the time you save by following some of my suggestions is redirected to the improvement of your relationships with other people in your life, you will not only make your life happier, you will improve theirs. It’s what economists call ‘Pareto efficient,’ a change that benefits everybody.”
Let me know if you agree or disagree with the author’s conclusions. In the meantime, happy choosing!
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at mailto:atcoachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
In the event that you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and ask them to consider subscribing to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Tiger Woods and the Upper Limit Problem
The Coaching Chronicles is an inspirational newsletter/blog designed to stir, inspire, and motivate you.
Isn’t amazing how quickly a person’s image can change in the eyes of the public? Over the holidays, I had a layover at DFW airport. In the hallways, there will still several ads from the consulting firm Accenture featuring Tiger Woods. Accenture backed out of their sponsorship agreement with Tiger on December 14, but as of December 29, they hadn’t taken down the ads yet. In light of the recent scandal, I could only laugh at how much the meaning of the taglines had changed. One ad showed Tiger looking for a lost golf ball amongst the rocks with a tagline that read, “It’s what you do next that counts.” Another showed Tiger in knee-high brush that said, “The road to high performance isn’t always paved.” Boy, isn’t that the truth.
The year 2009 was paved with scandals from several high profile celebrities, as detailed in this brilliant article by L.A. Times columnist Bill Plaschke, aptly titled “Sleaze has been the undisputed champion of the sports world for 2009.” But isn’t it curious just how many celebrities seem bent on self-destruction? I mean, aren’t celebrities the ones achieving their goals? Aren’t they the ones with all the money and fame they could want? Then why are they so miserable?
The answer, I feel, is that scandal-ridden celebrities are exhibiting a very universal human condition: The Upper Limit Problem. I first read about the Upper Limit Problem in Gay Hendricks’ book, The Big Leap. Below are a few excerpts from The Big Leap that I thought you would find interesting:
How the Upper Limit Problem Works
“Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure.
Most people think they will finally feel good when they have more money, better relationships, and more creativity. But all of us can find and nurture the capacity for positive feelings now, rather than waiting until some longed-for event occurs.
If you focus for a moment, you can always find some place in you that feels good right now. Give that positive feeling your full attention. Let yourself enjoy it as long as you possibly can. As you get more skilled with this practice, you’ll discover that your positive feelings, your abundance, your love and creativity all begin to expand. Then, the outer aspects of your life change to match the expanding good feeling inside you.
Millions of people are stuck on the verge of reaching their goals can’t seem to scale the wall, and are struggling under a glass ceiling that is completely within their control, waiting to be removed. These people are not flawed or unlucky – they have an Upper Limit Problem and it can be transcended in the wink of an eye, in a leap of consciousness. An Upper Limit Problem is dissolved, not solved, by shining the light of awareness on it”.
In The Big Leap, Hendricks goes on to describe the various ways we upper limit ourselves: worrying, criticizing, blaming, deflecting, squabbling, getting sick, getting hurt, lying, breaking agreements and withholding truths. If you catch yourself doing any of these things, just be aware that it may be a form of self-sabotage; a way for you to limit your ability to be happy for longer and longer periods of time.
Key Takeaway:
“The Upper Limit Problem is the tendency to follow big leaps forward in your success with big mess-ups. The mess-ups rubber-band you back to where you were before, or sometimes some place worse. But if you see what you are doing in time, you can shift right out of the free fall and point yourself back toward the sky.”
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at coachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
In the event that you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and ask them to consider subscribing to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
Isn’t amazing how quickly a person’s image can change in the eyes of the public? Over the holidays, I had a layover at DFW airport. In the hallways, there will still several ads from the consulting firm Accenture featuring Tiger Woods. Accenture backed out of their sponsorship agreement with Tiger on December 14, but as of December 29, they hadn’t taken down the ads yet. In light of the recent scandal, I could only laugh at how much the meaning of the taglines had changed. One ad showed Tiger looking for a lost golf ball amongst the rocks with a tagline that read, “It’s what you do next that counts.” Another showed Tiger in knee-high brush that said, “The road to high performance isn’t always paved.” Boy, isn’t that the truth.
The year 2009 was paved with scandals from several high profile celebrities, as detailed in this brilliant article by L.A. Times columnist Bill Plaschke, aptly titled “Sleaze has been the undisputed champion of the sports world for 2009.” But isn’t it curious just how many celebrities seem bent on self-destruction? I mean, aren’t celebrities the ones achieving their goals? Aren’t they the ones with all the money and fame they could want? Then why are they so miserable?
The answer, I feel, is that scandal-ridden celebrities are exhibiting a very universal human condition: The Upper Limit Problem. I first read about the Upper Limit Problem in Gay Hendricks’ book, The Big Leap. Below are a few excerpts from The Big Leap that I thought you would find interesting:
How the Upper Limit Problem Works
“Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure.
Most people think they will finally feel good when they have more money, better relationships, and more creativity. But all of us can find and nurture the capacity for positive feelings now, rather than waiting until some longed-for event occurs.
If you focus for a moment, you can always find some place in you that feels good right now. Give that positive feeling your full attention. Let yourself enjoy it as long as you possibly can. As you get more skilled with this practice, you’ll discover that your positive feelings, your abundance, your love and creativity all begin to expand. Then, the outer aspects of your life change to match the expanding good feeling inside you.
Millions of people are stuck on the verge of reaching their goals can’t seem to scale the wall, and are struggling under a glass ceiling that is completely within their control, waiting to be removed. These people are not flawed or unlucky – they have an Upper Limit Problem and it can be transcended in the wink of an eye, in a leap of consciousness. An Upper Limit Problem is dissolved, not solved, by shining the light of awareness on it”.
In The Big Leap, Hendricks goes on to describe the various ways we upper limit ourselves: worrying, criticizing, blaming, deflecting, squabbling, getting sick, getting hurt, lying, breaking agreements and withholding truths. If you catch yourself doing any of these things, just be aware that it may be a form of self-sabotage; a way for you to limit your ability to be happy for longer and longer periods of time.
Key Takeaway:
“The Upper Limit Problem is the tendency to follow big leaps forward in your success with big mess-ups. The mess-ups rubber-band you back to where you were before, or sometimes some place worse. But if you see what you are doing in time, you can shift right out of the free fall and point yourself back toward the sky.”
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at coachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
In the event that you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and ask them to consider subscribing to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
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