The Coaching Chronicles is an inspirational newsletter/blog designed to stir, inspire, and motivate you.
Words have power. Imagine you’ve received an email titled: “Problem.” How do you react? “Oh no,” you might think. “What’s wrong?” The word alone can produce a negative, sinking feeling. Now imagine you receive an email with the word “Opportunity” in the subject line. “Oooh,” you might think. “What’s this? This could be good.” You’re curious. You’re open. There’s a reason Deepak Chopra says, “I do not experience challenges; I look for opportunities.”
Emotion follows thought, and eliminating certain words from your internal and external dialogue could make you a happier person.
Take the word “try,” for example.
When you say you’re going to “try” to do something, that’s the beginning of the end. As coach and Hollywood film producer Debbie Robins says, “The word ‘try’ is a magnet for your incomplete actions, lame excuses and failure to launch.” When you ask someone, “Are you going to be there?” and they say, “I’ll try,” you can pretty much guarantee that they’re not going to show up. Same for New Year’s resolutions: “I’ll try to quit smoking.” “I’ll try to lose weight.” “I’ll try” is usually not a strategy for success.
Take a challenge with me this week. Completely dump the word “try” from your vocabulary. Don’t “try;” really commit to it. Put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it whenever you catch yourself saying “try.” Instead of saying “I’ll try,” say “I will,” or “I won’t.” When you are clear with your commitments, you’ll avoid a lot of broken agreements (with yourself and other people).
As Yoda says, “Try not. Do or no not. There is no try.”
Related to the word “try” is the word “should.” Debbie Robins has a whole chapter on the word “should” in her book, Shovel It: Kick-Ass Advice to Turn Life’s Crap into the Peace and Happiness You Deserve. (Is that a great title or what?) She writes:
“The mindset of should will only make you feel awful. “Should” suggests there is a right and a wrong, a good and a bad, a “my way or the highway,” and that everybody understands the rules and agrees to play by them. But not everybody does. “Should” is a preamble for cruelly judging oneself (“I should be more on top of my life and not such a disorganized, distracted mess.”) “Should” is also a preamble for judging others. (“He should have done it my way and now everything is messed up”; “She should have listened to me rather than being so stubborn”). Unfortunately you can’t win the “should” game. It’s a never-ending loop of assigning blame that easily grows into hatred. And the only one getting hurt by your upset is you.
Robins goes on to say, “Often times “should” results from an expectation the world owes you justice. I wish. It doesn’t. You’ve got to figure out an alternative. You need to ditch the thinking of “should” and replace it with something better.”
Key Takeaway
Saying “I’ll try” or “I should do this” are just bad habits. Most people think habits are meant to be broken, but they can’t be broken. Habits can only be replaced (replaced with a behavior that serves you in a better way). Want to be happier? Eliminate phrases like, “I should do this,” or “People expect me to do this,” or “I feel obligated to do this.” Replace them with the following statements: “I want to do this”; “I’m committed to doing this”; “It is my intention to do this”; or “I give you my word that I will do this.” Really think about what you want to do and what you intend to do. If you need to, schedule blocks of time for yourself on your calendar. Take your commitments seriously.
Note: I am not advocating for you to stop being a good employee, family member, citizen, parishioner, etc. because you don’t want to do certain things. There are a lot of reasons we choose to do what we do. For example, you may decide to fill out a TPS report at work because it makes your boss happy. Saying “I feel obligated to fill out my TPS report” drains your energy and builds resentment. Saying “I choose to fill out my TPS report” gives you a greater sense of control, and when you are in a positive mindset, you are more likely to come up with creative solutions. For example, you could outsource your TPS report to a virtual assistant.
If you ever need to trick yourself to get motivated, pretend you are going to receive $1 million if you do what you say you are committed to doing. Say your problem is that you are always late to your meetings at work. If you were going to get $1 million for showing up to all your appointments on time for a whole year, I have a feeling you would not be late. You would find a way to get to every appointment on time. If your car broke down one morning, you would call a cab to take you to work. Your whole mindset would change.
Think of the various commitments you have been “trying” to meet lately. What would you do differently if you were guaranteed a $1 million reward? Even if it sounds silly, think about it. You might come up with a fun new way to motivate yourself. Let me know what you come up with.
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at coachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
In the event that you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and ask them to consider subscribing to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Choosing When to Choose
I would first like to thank all of you who have provided me with feedback regarding my first few issues of The Coaching Chronicles. It is really exciting (and humbling) to hear that the information I am providing is helpful to so many of you. I continue to welcome your feedback, and if there are any particular issues you would like me to address, please let me know.
The week I am sharing some insights from a rather fascinating book I read last year called The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less by Barry Swartz.
Most people think that having more options to choose from is a good thing. If I consider more options, then I’m more likely to choose the best thing, right? It’s possible, but have you ever thought about the costs associated with that choice? First, there’s the question of your time (how much time did you spend making the decision?), and then there’s the question of your happiness (how happy are you with the decision that you made?).
In The Paradox of Choice, Barry Swartz points to several studies that indicate that people are actually unhappier when they are presented with a larger number of choices. The feelings of regret we experience (over the options we didn’t choose) can combine with underlying concerns about status (brought on by comparing ourselves to others), which furthers our desire to have the best of everything – to maximize.
Below is an exercise from the book that may help you further appreciate the costs associated with the decisions you make:
Constraint is Key: Choose When to Choose
To combat the problems associated with choice overload, Swartz urges his readers to “learn to love constraints.” By restricting our options (satisficing rather than maximizing), we will be able to choose less and feel better.
According to Swartz, learning to accept “good enough” will simplify your decision making and increase your satisfaction with those decisions (even when the “best” could be right around the corner). Consider adopting a “two options is my limit” rule. While restricting yourself this way may seem both difficult and arbitrary, it’s a good way to avoid the “hangover” associated with choice overload.
In a world full of choices, writes Swartz, “We get what we say we want, only to discover that what we want doesn’t satisfy us to the degree we expect. We are surrounded by modern time-saving devices, but we never seem to have enough time. We are free to be the authors of our own lives, but we don’t know exactly what kind of lives we want to write.”
As someone who has experienced a fair share of “writer’s block” over the years, after reading this book, I wondered if maybe it was the “endless possibilities” of the blank page that made it seem so intimidating to me. Indeed, it was often the “constraint” of an assignment (a specific topic, a limited word count) that allowed me to break the block and just start writing.
As a final thought, here is a quote from a Q&A session with Barry Swartz. Below the author describes his intention for writing The Paradox of Choice:
Key Takeaway
“If you limit the number of choices you make and the number of options you consider, you’re going to have more time available for what’s important than people who are plagued by one decision after another, always in search of the best. You could use that time wisely by getting to know more deeply your lovers, your children, your parents, your friends, your clients, your students… You may not always be conscious of this, but your effort to get the best car will interfere with your desire to be a good friend. Your effort to get the best job will intrude on your duty to be the best parent. And so, if the time you save by following some of my suggestions is redirected to the improvement of your relationships with other people in your life, you will not only make your life happier, you will improve theirs. It’s what economists call ‘Pareto efficient,’ a change that benefits everybody.”
Let me know if you agree or disagree with the author’s conclusions. In the meantime, happy choosing!
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at mailto:atcoachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
In the event that you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and ask them to consider subscribing to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
The week I am sharing some insights from a rather fascinating book I read last year called The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less by Barry Swartz.
Most people think that having more options to choose from is a good thing. If I consider more options, then I’m more likely to choose the best thing, right? It’s possible, but have you ever thought about the costs associated with that choice? First, there’s the question of your time (how much time did you spend making the decision?), and then there’s the question of your happiness (how happy are you with the decision that you made?).
In The Paradox of Choice, Barry Swartz points to several studies that indicate that people are actually unhappier when they are presented with a larger number of choices. The feelings of regret we experience (over the options we didn’t choose) can combine with underlying concerns about status (brought on by comparing ourselves to others), which furthers our desire to have the best of everything – to maximize.
Below is an exercise from the book that may help you further appreciate the costs associated with the decisions you make:
- Think about some decisions that you’ve made recently, both big and small (a clothing purchase, a vacation destination, a relationship or job change).
- Itemize the steps, time, research and anxiety that went into those decisions.
- Remind yourself how it felt to do that work.
- Ask yourself how much your final decision benefitted from that work.
Constraint is Key: Choose When to Choose
To combat the problems associated with choice overload, Swartz urges his readers to “learn to love constraints.” By restricting our options (satisficing rather than maximizing), we will be able to choose less and feel better.
According to Swartz, learning to accept “good enough” will simplify your decision making and increase your satisfaction with those decisions (even when the “best” could be right around the corner). Consider adopting a “two options is my limit” rule. While restricting yourself this way may seem both difficult and arbitrary, it’s a good way to avoid the “hangover” associated with choice overload.
In a world full of choices, writes Swartz, “We get what we say we want, only to discover that what we want doesn’t satisfy us to the degree we expect. We are surrounded by modern time-saving devices, but we never seem to have enough time. We are free to be the authors of our own lives, but we don’t know exactly what kind of lives we want to write.”
As someone who has experienced a fair share of “writer’s block” over the years, after reading this book, I wondered if maybe it was the “endless possibilities” of the blank page that made it seem so intimidating to me. Indeed, it was often the “constraint” of an assignment (a specific topic, a limited word count) that allowed me to break the block and just start writing.
As a final thought, here is a quote from a Q&A session with Barry Swartz. Below the author describes his intention for writing The Paradox of Choice:
Key Takeaway
“If you limit the number of choices you make and the number of options you consider, you’re going to have more time available for what’s important than people who are plagued by one decision after another, always in search of the best. You could use that time wisely by getting to know more deeply your lovers, your children, your parents, your friends, your clients, your students… You may not always be conscious of this, but your effort to get the best car will interfere with your desire to be a good friend. Your effort to get the best job will intrude on your duty to be the best parent. And so, if the time you save by following some of my suggestions is redirected to the improvement of your relationships with other people in your life, you will not only make your life happier, you will improve theirs. It’s what economists call ‘Pareto efficient,’ a change that benefits everybody.”
Let me know if you agree or disagree with the author’s conclusions. In the meantime, happy choosing!
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at mailto:atcoachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
In the event that you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and ask them to consider subscribing to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Tiger Woods and the Upper Limit Problem
The Coaching Chronicles is an inspirational newsletter/blog designed to stir, inspire, and motivate you.
Isn’t amazing how quickly a person’s image can change in the eyes of the public? Over the holidays, I had a layover at DFW airport. In the hallways, there will still several ads from the consulting firm Accenture featuring Tiger Woods. Accenture backed out of their sponsorship agreement with Tiger on December 14, but as of December 29, they hadn’t taken down the ads yet. In light of the recent scandal, I could only laugh at how much the meaning of the taglines had changed. One ad showed Tiger looking for a lost golf ball amongst the rocks with a tagline that read, “It’s what you do next that counts.” Another showed Tiger in knee-high brush that said, “The road to high performance isn’t always paved.” Boy, isn’t that the truth.
The year 2009 was paved with scandals from several high profile celebrities, as detailed in this brilliant article by L.A. Times columnist Bill Plaschke, aptly titled “Sleaze has been the undisputed champion of the sports world for 2009.” But isn’t it curious just how many celebrities seem bent on self-destruction? I mean, aren’t celebrities the ones achieving their goals? Aren’t they the ones with all the money and fame they could want? Then why are they so miserable?
The answer, I feel, is that scandal-ridden celebrities are exhibiting a very universal human condition: The Upper Limit Problem. I first read about the Upper Limit Problem in Gay Hendricks’ book, The Big Leap. Below are a few excerpts from The Big Leap that I thought you would find interesting:
How the Upper Limit Problem Works
“Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure.
Most people think they will finally feel good when they have more money, better relationships, and more creativity. But all of us can find and nurture the capacity for positive feelings now, rather than waiting until some longed-for event occurs.
If you focus for a moment, you can always find some place in you that feels good right now. Give that positive feeling your full attention. Let yourself enjoy it as long as you possibly can. As you get more skilled with this practice, you’ll discover that your positive feelings, your abundance, your love and creativity all begin to expand. Then, the outer aspects of your life change to match the expanding good feeling inside you.
Millions of people are stuck on the verge of reaching their goals can’t seem to scale the wall, and are struggling under a glass ceiling that is completely within their control, waiting to be removed. These people are not flawed or unlucky – they have an Upper Limit Problem and it can be transcended in the wink of an eye, in a leap of consciousness. An Upper Limit Problem is dissolved, not solved, by shining the light of awareness on it”.
In The Big Leap, Hendricks goes on to describe the various ways we upper limit ourselves: worrying, criticizing, blaming, deflecting, squabbling, getting sick, getting hurt, lying, breaking agreements and withholding truths. If you catch yourself doing any of these things, just be aware that it may be a form of self-sabotage; a way for you to limit your ability to be happy for longer and longer periods of time.
Key Takeaway:
“The Upper Limit Problem is the tendency to follow big leaps forward in your success with big mess-ups. The mess-ups rubber-band you back to where you were before, or sometimes some place worse. But if you see what you are doing in time, you can shift right out of the free fall and point yourself back toward the sky.”
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at coachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
In the event that you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and ask them to consider subscribing to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
Isn’t amazing how quickly a person’s image can change in the eyes of the public? Over the holidays, I had a layover at DFW airport. In the hallways, there will still several ads from the consulting firm Accenture featuring Tiger Woods. Accenture backed out of their sponsorship agreement with Tiger on December 14, but as of December 29, they hadn’t taken down the ads yet. In light of the recent scandal, I could only laugh at how much the meaning of the taglines had changed. One ad showed Tiger looking for a lost golf ball amongst the rocks with a tagline that read, “It’s what you do next that counts.” Another showed Tiger in knee-high brush that said, “The road to high performance isn’t always paved.” Boy, isn’t that the truth.
The year 2009 was paved with scandals from several high profile celebrities, as detailed in this brilliant article by L.A. Times columnist Bill Plaschke, aptly titled “Sleaze has been the undisputed champion of the sports world for 2009.” But isn’t it curious just how many celebrities seem bent on self-destruction? I mean, aren’t celebrities the ones achieving their goals? Aren’t they the ones with all the money and fame they could want? Then why are they so miserable?
The answer, I feel, is that scandal-ridden celebrities are exhibiting a very universal human condition: The Upper Limit Problem. I first read about the Upper Limit Problem in Gay Hendricks’ book, The Big Leap. Below are a few excerpts from The Big Leap that I thought you would find interesting:
How the Upper Limit Problem Works
“Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure.
Most people think they will finally feel good when they have more money, better relationships, and more creativity. But all of us can find and nurture the capacity for positive feelings now, rather than waiting until some longed-for event occurs.
If you focus for a moment, you can always find some place in you that feels good right now. Give that positive feeling your full attention. Let yourself enjoy it as long as you possibly can. As you get more skilled with this practice, you’ll discover that your positive feelings, your abundance, your love and creativity all begin to expand. Then, the outer aspects of your life change to match the expanding good feeling inside you.
Millions of people are stuck on the verge of reaching their goals can’t seem to scale the wall, and are struggling under a glass ceiling that is completely within their control, waiting to be removed. These people are not flawed or unlucky – they have an Upper Limit Problem and it can be transcended in the wink of an eye, in a leap of consciousness. An Upper Limit Problem is dissolved, not solved, by shining the light of awareness on it”.
In The Big Leap, Hendricks goes on to describe the various ways we upper limit ourselves: worrying, criticizing, blaming, deflecting, squabbling, getting sick, getting hurt, lying, breaking agreements and withholding truths. If you catch yourself doing any of these things, just be aware that it may be a form of self-sabotage; a way for you to limit your ability to be happy for longer and longer periods of time.
Key Takeaway:
“The Upper Limit Problem is the tendency to follow big leaps forward in your success with big mess-ups. The mess-ups rubber-band you back to where you were before, or sometimes some place worse. But if you see what you are doing in time, you can shift right out of the free fall and point yourself back toward the sky.”
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at coachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
In the event that you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and ask them to consider subscribing to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Why Worrying Is a Waste of Time
Welcome to The Coaching Chronicles, an inspirational newsletter/blog designed to stir, inspire, and motivate you.
I've decided to call 2010 the "Year of No Fear." For me, 2009 was a year full of fear. As a result of the market collapse, there were layoffs at my investment firm and I spent the whole year worrying about what I would do if I lost my job. I worried about my friends who lost their jobs, and I worried about the lack of loving, committed relationships and responsible leadership in the world. These worry thoughts were not productive. In fact, these thoughts were often paralyzing. I was frozen, like a deer in headlights, afraid to take action for fear of making a mistake.
In the event that you or someone you know has been overwhelmed by fear recently, I have summarized some insights on overcoming fear below.
Now, you may be thinking, “Why is Lisa doing this?” So, please allow me a moment to explain. One of the ways I attempted to overcome my fear last year was to read a lot of books about leadership, positive thinking, lifestyle design and getting things done. After I finished each book, I found that I really enjoyed sharing the insights I gleaned from what I read with other people. I particularly enjoyed encouraging people to fulfill their life’s purpose. As Dr. Hendricks (author of The Big Leap) says, “On Judgment Day, God will not ask, ‘Why were you not Moses?’ He will ask ‘Why were you not [Say Your Name Here]?’ The goal in life is not to attain some imaginary ideal; it is to find and fully use our own gifts.”
One of the reasons I’m starting to post this content is that I have some insights to share that I think you may find helpful. This is my “gift.” As Steve Chandler (author of Mindshift) says, “I can only be scared when I’m focused on myself.” So, I will focus on you. I want to help you. I want to serve you. So I’m hereby committing to sending you helpful insights on a weekly basis (and if you find that is too much, please let me know). While my intention is to remain in the investment industry for the foreseeable future, as you will see, coaching is my passion and I will continue to document my journey in The Coaching Chronicles. And so, in the spirit of “no fear,” here is my first post. Let me know what you think!
The Coaching Chronicles: Why Worrying Is a Waste of Time
“Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.” - William Inge
Today’s link is to a short article called “Why Worrying is a Waste of Time” by Gary Marcus, Professor of Psychology at New York University. He walks through the concept of worrying from a biological standpoint, and then gives several helpful tips on how to deal with worry.
Key Takeaway:
“The word worry comes from a Middle English word “wyrgan,” which means to strangle. And that's what worries often do; they seize us by the throat until we can't think about anything else. When worry takes on a life of its own, it becomes a huge and often pointless drain on our time and energy.”
A few more insights into worry from The Big Leap:
“Worry is not a sign we’re thinking about something useful; it’s typically something we have no control over. When confronted by a worry thought, ask yourself: “Is this a real possibility?” And “Is there any action I can take right now to make a positive difference?”
So be conscious of when you are worrying and recognize that you are wasting valuable energy. Give your brain something more useful to do, and tap its ability to develop creative solutions. You’ll be amazed by what you can come up with.
“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” - Leo Buscaglia
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at coachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
In the event that you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and ask them to consider subscribing to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
I've decided to call 2010 the "Year of No Fear." For me, 2009 was a year full of fear. As a result of the market collapse, there were layoffs at my investment firm and I spent the whole year worrying about what I would do if I lost my job. I worried about my friends who lost their jobs, and I worried about the lack of loving, committed relationships and responsible leadership in the world. These worry thoughts were not productive. In fact, these thoughts were often paralyzing. I was frozen, like a deer in headlights, afraid to take action for fear of making a mistake.
In the event that you or someone you know has been overwhelmed by fear recently, I have summarized some insights on overcoming fear below.
Now, you may be thinking, “Why is Lisa doing this?” So, please allow me a moment to explain. One of the ways I attempted to overcome my fear last year was to read a lot of books about leadership, positive thinking, lifestyle design and getting things done. After I finished each book, I found that I really enjoyed sharing the insights I gleaned from what I read with other people. I particularly enjoyed encouraging people to fulfill their life’s purpose. As Dr. Hendricks (author of The Big Leap) says, “On Judgment Day, God will not ask, ‘Why were you not Moses?’ He will ask ‘Why were you not [Say Your Name Here]?’ The goal in life is not to attain some imaginary ideal; it is to find and fully use our own gifts.”
One of the reasons I’m starting to post this content is that I have some insights to share that I think you may find helpful. This is my “gift.” As Steve Chandler (author of Mindshift) says, “I can only be scared when I’m focused on myself.” So, I will focus on you. I want to help you. I want to serve you. So I’m hereby committing to sending you helpful insights on a weekly basis (and if you find that is too much, please let me know). While my intention is to remain in the investment industry for the foreseeable future, as you will see, coaching is my passion and I will continue to document my journey in The Coaching Chronicles. And so, in the spirit of “no fear,” here is my first post. Let me know what you think!
The Coaching Chronicles: Why Worrying Is a Waste of Time
“Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.” - William Inge
Today’s link is to a short article called “Why Worrying is a Waste of Time” by Gary Marcus, Professor of Psychology at New York University. He walks through the concept of worrying from a biological standpoint, and then gives several helpful tips on how to deal with worry.
Key Takeaway:
“The word worry comes from a Middle English word “wyrgan,” which means to strangle. And that's what worries often do; they seize us by the throat until we can't think about anything else. When worry takes on a life of its own, it becomes a huge and often pointless drain on our time and energy.”
A few more insights into worry from The Big Leap:
“Worry is not a sign we’re thinking about something useful; it’s typically something we have no control over. When confronted by a worry thought, ask yourself: “Is this a real possibility?” And “Is there any action I can take right now to make a positive difference?”
So be conscious of when you are worrying and recognize that you are wasting valuable energy. Give your brain something more useful to do, and tap its ability to develop creative solutions. You’ll be amazed by what you can come up with.
“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” - Leo Buscaglia
Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at coachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.
In the event that you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and ask them to consider subscribing to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.
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