Dump “Try” and “Should” From Your Vocabulary

The Coaching Chronicles is an inspirational newsletter/blog designed to stir, inspire, and motivate you.

Words have power. Imagine you’ve received an email titled: “Problem.” How do you react? “Oh no,” you might think. “What’s wrong?” The word alone can produce a negative, sinking feeling. Now imagine you receive an email with the word “Opportunity” in the subject line. “Oooh,” you might think. “What’s this? This could be good.” You’re curious. You’re open. There’s a reason Deepak Chopra says, “I do not experience challenges; I look for opportunities.”

Emotion follows thought, and eliminating certain words from your internal and external dialogue could make you a happier person.

Take the word “try,” for example.

When you say you’re going to “try” to do something, that’s the beginning of the end. As coach and Hollywood film producer Debbie Robins says, “The word ‘try’ is a magnet for your incomplete actions, lame excuses and failure to launch.” When you ask someone, “Are you going to be there?” and they say, “I’ll try,” you can pretty much guarantee that they’re not going to show up. Same for New Year’s resolutions: “I’ll try to quit smoking.” “I’ll try to lose weight.” “I’ll try” is usually not a strategy for success.

Take a challenge with me this week. Completely dump the word “try” from your vocabulary. Don’t “try;” really commit to it. Put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it whenever you catch yourself saying “try.” Instead of saying “I’ll try,” say “I will,” or “I won’t.” When you are clear with your commitments, you’ll avoid a lot of broken agreements (with yourself and other people).

As Yoda says, “Try not. Do or no not. There is no try.”

Related to the word “try” is the word “should.” Debbie Robins has a whole chapter on the word “should” in her book, Shovel It: Kick-Ass Advice to Turn Life’s Crap into the Peace and Happiness You Deserve. (Is that a great title or what?) She writes:

“The mindset of should will only make you feel awful. “Should” suggests there is a right and a wrong, a good and a bad, a “my way or the highway,” and that everybody understands the rules and agrees to play by them. But not everybody does. “Should” is a preamble for cruelly judging oneself (“I should be more on top of my life and not such a disorganized, distracted mess.”) “Should” is also a preamble for judging others. (“He should have done it my way and now everything is messed up”; “She should have listened to me rather than being so stubborn”). Unfortunately you can’t win the “should” game. It’s a never-ending loop of assigning blame that easily grows into hatred. And the only one getting hurt by your upset is you.

Robins goes on to say, “Often times “should” results from an expectation the world owes you justice. I wish. It doesn’t. You’ve got to figure out an alternative. You need to ditch the thinking of “should” and replace it with something better.”

Key Takeaway
Saying “I’ll try” or “I should do this” are just bad habits. Most people think habits are meant to be broken, but they can’t be broken. Habits can only be replaced (replaced with a behavior that serves you in a better way). Want to be happier? Eliminate phrases like, “I should do this,” or “People expect me to do this,” or “I feel obligated to do this.” Replace them with the following statements: “I want to do this”; “I’m committed to doing this”; “It is my intention to do this”; or “I give you my word that I will do this.” Really think about what you want to do and what you intend to do. If you need to, schedule blocks of time for yourself on your calendar. Take your commitments seriously.

Note: I am not advocating for you to stop being a good employee, family member, citizen, parishioner, etc. because you don’t want to do certain things. There are a lot of reasons we choose to do what we do. For example, you may decide to fill out a TPS report at work because it makes your boss happy. Saying “I feel obligated to fill out my TPS report” drains your energy and builds resentment. Saying “I choose to fill out my TPS report” gives you a greater sense of control, and when you are in a positive mindset, you are more likely to come up with creative solutions. For example, you could outsource your TPS report to a virtual assistant.

If you ever need to trick yourself to get motivated, pretend you are going to receive $1 million if you do what you say you are committed to doing. Say your problem is that you are always late to your meetings at work. If you were going to get $1 million for showing up to all your appointments on time for a whole year, I have a feeling you would not be late. You would find a way to get to every appointment on time. If your car broke down one morning, you would call a cab to take you to work. Your whole mindset would change.

Think of the various commitments you have been “trying” to meet lately. What would you do differently if you were guaranteed a $1 million reward? Even if it sounds silly, think about it. You might come up with a fun new way to motivate yourself. Let me know what you come up with.

Comments? Questions? Need help? Contact me at coachlisa.bosley@gmail.com.

In the event that you know someone who would benefit from this information, please pass this along, and ask them to consider subscribing to The Coaching Chronicles by sending me an email.